"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents

In this edition: Different political views, building confidence in your 20s, and dealing with envy

Aug 19, 2024

by Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP

Dear Donna,

My parents have completely different political views than me. The upcoming presidential election is so important to me as a young woman, and my parents just don’t seem to understand. I can’t get through to them. We talk in circles and I just can’t get them to understand why this matters so much to me. I feel like it’s ruining my relationship with my parents. Please help me get through this.

Signed,
Stuck with Parents

Dear Stuck with Parents,

I have heard this for many years, so there’s nothing new about the “generation gap” conversation. Every generation seems to feel it. However, the pace of change has really hit hard on families. The negative and polarizing amplification of extreme points of view has overtaken the way things used to be — we always yearn for simpler times.

In previous generations, it seemed like kids wanted to push the conversation toward the liberal side, while parents remained more conservative. These days, those categories barely register. It’s more to do with HOW to have these conversations.

I say that the only way to deal with this is to become better listeners, instead of boxing out the voices you don’t like and demonizing them.

Both the left and the right in this country, right now, are at a crossroads: to be civil on one side and to be angry as hell on the other. Nothing seems to be going right. The institutional framework itself can barely hold when subject to some radical tests. Large SCOTUS decisions are impactful to a whole generation, and you should be validated for being concerned. Even in my family, where we are all on the same page, there are wildly differing viewpoints on various topics. Family, food, politics — what could go wrong? Well, add drinks to the mix and we’re liable to go down a slippery slope.

Another great way to channel your passion about the world is to get active. For example, if you’re concerned about social injustice, you could work for better legislation, donate to charities, or volunteer your time with organizations that align with your beliefs.

It’s been an exhausting couple of years. Everyone has to pause and take a breath. We need to try to understand, persuade, and stay calm — not turn to violence and vitriol.

Good luck!

— Donna

Dear Donna,

I'm in my 20s and it’s a time of my life where I’m applying to many programs/positions and also am one of the youngest people in my workspace. I’ve struggled with maintaining confidence in the face of so much rejection and critical feedback. How can I stay positive when I feel like I’m failing? And how can I stop seeing rejection or critical feedback as a personal attack?
Signed,
20-something

Dear 20-something,

Nothing could be more real than feeling insecure in your 20s. If you can believe this, I have been coaching 20-somethings for decades to try and fail. Floundering in your 20s is good!! I hope you fall flat on your face!! Not always, not often, but once in a while.

Why would I say that? According to my favorite 20-Somethings motivator, Psychologist Meg Jay, (“The Defining Decade”), all the learning and growth takes place in those spaces of fear, uncertainty, and avoidance. Once you dive into your life, it’s OK to make a wrong turn, course correct, and understand who you really are —your likes and dislikes, your moods, your anxieties— and then watch the flower bloom. The bloom comes from the roots.

The self-knowledge that you gain from experience is unmatchable. Hiding in your room and doing nothing — that’s the dangerous path. Meg Jay goes on to say that your 20s are not a “throwaway” decade — they matter! One reason I work with young adults is that I too struggled in my 20s, made poor choices all over the place, and shocker — even changed my major. That’s why travel is good for the young; you get out there and see, smell, and taste the world that is more complex than you know yet.

Of course, you won’t be the most confident one at work. That’s why we have internships, mentorships, and opportunities for learning. Lean into all of them! Feedback and rejection can give you much-needed areas to focus on. Maybe you are not positive every second of the day. I have often told young clients “Nobody cares how you feel!” (a weird statement for a therapist to make). Just do your work. Do you think I like to work every single day of my life? NO! But you just keep swimming and after a couple of strong currents, voila, you’re in the lead!

To summarize:

Self-doubt is normal — allow yourself to feel it.
Practice makes perfect — it takes time to gain confidence and experience.
There’s no substitute for life experience — trying new things gives you a lot of personal data.
Accepting criticism is hard, but it will ultimately make you stronger and more humble.

Just keep swimming!

All the best,
Donna

Dear Donna,

I have a serious problem with envy. I’m always jealous of my friends — and their jobs, vacations, dinners, and significant others. I go on Instagram, and it seems like everyone else is living a perfect life. I find myself wanting bad things to happen to other people, even my close friends. Nothing terrible, just for it to rain on their vacations or for them to get a poor performance review at work. I hate feeling that way, but I can’t help it. My life is pretty good, but it seems like everyone else has it all. Why do I feel this why? Why can’t I just be happy for my friends?

Signed,

Envious of Friends

Dear Envious of Friends,

This is my rap about that: there is always going to be someone with a bazillion times more than you (houses, cars, vacations); and someone who has so much less that he or she lives with 10 other people in a 2 bedroom apartment in Queens. Income equality is what we should strive for, not envy or greed. We have no control over how others live. And you know as well as I do that ALL families have issues (cue: Tolstoy). It’s normal for parents to bicker or for siblings to compete. Let’s normalize that some people live their lives more out loud than others.

Pictures of exotic vacations in no way correlate with actual happiness. Many studies have shown that inner peace is the best place to cultivate balance and equanimity, not outer showmanship. Schadenfreude (pleasure derived by someone from another person's misfortune), a crazy word meaning wishing someone ill, is probably not good for our spiritual growth. But I have certainly had the thought, Why doesn’t it rain on her vacation -- instead of mine for a change??!!

Give yourself a break for being human. Envy is a human emotion that most people experience at some point. “It's characterized by feelings of discontent, longing, or covetousness towards someone else's advantages, achievements, possessions, or qualities. For example, you might feel envy if you see someone get promoted, win an award, or have a beautiful holiday” (https://www.vox.com/even-better/23292282/harness-envy-jealousy-motivation).

You can try to motivate yourself for these experiences, and plan something for yourself that’s unusual or on your bucket list. The envy might be more likely about a friend doing things that align with what you want to do. It presses that button. I like to post on social media as a kind of journal of my life, rather than showing off. But FOMO is hurtful, for girls especially, and there are legitimate reasons behind that. We are always comparing, and girls are on their smartphones around twice as much as boys. So the missing out can sting when it’s right in your face. One of my clients was excluded from her “after-prom” by her core friend group. How awful is that? Wish them well and focus on the things you can change. I have taken some big risks to be happy. You can too.

All the best,
Donna

Questions have been answered by Rivertowns resident and licensed therapist Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP. Questions may have been edited for length and clarity.

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