"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents
"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents
In this edition: Finding the space to make art and looking for romance
by Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP
Dear Donna,
I've lived in the area for 10 years, moving here from the NYC metro area. Small-town life appealed after 30 years in or very close to the Big Apple. But now I'm stuck without room to pursue what I love doing: crafting collages. For 5 years I had a room to myself at a local organization, but 3 years ago that got sold for use as a private residence and I had to pack up my works and put them in storage. At the same time, I had hip/back problems which necessitated physical therapy and convalescence. Now I'm ambulatory again, but have had a hard time finding a suitable place to practice my art. Posting fliers hasn’t worked, and there’s no place to post wanted ads anymore. My needs are modest — a small room would suffice, but commercial real estate is expensive and designated spaces for art studios are more than I really need. I'd like to get back to my calling, but find myself stuck.
Signed,
Room for Crafts
Dear Room for Crafts,
I hear you and understand your frustration! So many things have changed post-pandemic, but fear not! People are working hard to create online and offline spaces to connect.
Of course, I cannot offer real estate advice, but I can empathize with your situation. I wonder if you can seek a small space by asking on Facebook, Nextdoor, or a similar outlet. In our beloved small villages, there may be community center bulletin boards as well. We should all put on our problem-solving hats and think of creative ways artists can produce. I know there are some spaces for artists in Dobbs Ferry (at 145 Palisade Street, for one example), and North Yonkers now too (NOYO). Perhaps the RiverArts or other groups have word-of-mouth ideas. Finally, if only a small space is needed, maybe you could share a studio with someone?
Making art is a beautiful way to spend retirement and many of us are not taught that we can do these things in our leisure, that’s how geared we are to workaholism. Finding like-minded people to share spaces with would be ideal. Not only does art free us of daily constraints it also allows some reprieve from loneliness. I encourage you to continue. Please keep talking to people and asking for ideas! You are right in your assessment that everything seems to have gotten harder these days. We need to have the willingness to be patient and lean on our networks — then the opening will happen. As Georgia O'Keeffe said, “To create one's own world takes courage.”
Best of luck,
Donna
Dear Donna,
I’m finding it hard to date. It seems like everybody's either partnered up, or far above or below my age (40). I know a ton of people in the community and am frequently out and about at events and establishments, but I could count the number of singles I've met on half a hand. What approach should I take to meet a romantic partner?
Signed,
Seeking Romance
Dear Seeking Romance,
If I had a dollar for every time one of my clients asked me this… First off, your concern is legitimate. I cannot be hearing from this many people and their dating problems for it not to represent something about our incredibly fractured culture. I seem to hear several themes: 1. Hook-up culture is not really good for women. It may appear to offer more freedom, but it’s just the men acting free. Women’s biological clocks continue to tick regardless. 99.999% of women that I talk to want a commitment. Period. We are wired for attachment. 2. For some reason unbeknownst to me there is some kind of higher female-to-male ratio out there, making it feel more competitive than ever. 3. Ghosting and other failures of communication are interfering with normalcy if anyone can exit at any time without explanation. And finally, the obvious, 4. Dating apps have misled young adults and adults by setting up false expectations, lies, and other deceptions when it comes to who can commit to even meeting for coffee. Younger men are notoriously bad at PLANNING. GUYS, wake up and figure out how to be polite. After this rant, I could say what verywellmind.com advises, which is:
“Give yourself time at the end of a relationship, be realistic in your expectations, know your goals, learn about the dating scene, and don't put too much pressure on first dates. You've got this! ”
Common sense would say: Go do something you love, be it wine-tasting, rock-climbing, cooking, book-signing, or choral singing — it doesn’t really matter what it is. One of my clients in NYC is taking a DJ class! That activity should increase the likelihood of finding a like-minded person. Also, I am a bit of a romantic, so DON'T GIVE UP!! There’s someone for everyone. Of course, you might disdain the adage “Oh, just relax and it will happen when you least expect it.” That seems so trite. BUT at least stay active. The guy at the deli line or at the car wash might just might be your person. Lastly, I hear from women who are afraid based on past trauma, fear of shame and abandonment, and specific wants and needs. That’s OK. You are not damaged goods based on one bad experience. There is no perfect. You can’t be all things to all people. Nevertheless, if you stay in your room, nothing changes.
Best of luck,
Donna
Feeling stuck in your life? Now’s your chance to submit a question to the Rivertowns Current’s new advice column, “Why Am I Stuck?”
Questions will be answered by Rivertowns resident and licensed therapist Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP.
Send an email to moss.donna@gmail.com or fill out this form to submit a question. All questions submitted will be published anonymously. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
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