"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents
"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents
In this edition: What to do during retirement and fear of FOMO
by Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP
Dear Donna,
I retired recently after receiving a modest package from my employer. I'm single and of retirement age, but I hadn't really planned a retirement date or thought about what I'd do in my next chapter. Now I'm suddenly "free," but I'm in a bit of a panic about what to do with the rest of my life. I'm not financially strapped and am not sure I want to look for work again, but I know my retirement income is going to be limited. How do I figure out what to do with myself?
Signed,
Unmoored
Dear Unmoored,
Fear not! This is an incredibly common dilemma. Millions of us baby boomers are struggling with the very same issue. The tyranny of choice! Personally I would take some time to let it all settle. A friend of mine, when asked “What do you do with your time now?” said, “I just wander from room to room trying to remember what I was doing.”
Time has its merits. However, I do not think it’s good to just ruminate for hours on end. As we all know from the pandemic, “overthinking” is a side effect of anxiety, boredom and isolation. I encourage you to try new hobbies. Explore and try and don’t stop learning! The Scarsdale Adult School has fascinating author lectures and classes. I have taken up pickleball, a challenging and social activity. You can also volunteer.
The idea is to have some structure and then plan accordingly. I think everyone needs structure, even those who are creative types who claim they don’t. Have a daily routine and then insert activities into different open blocks. Reach out to old friends. Travel. According to this article on adjusting to retirement, “You may grieve the loss of your old life, feel stressed about how you’re going to fill your days, or worried about the toll that being at home all day is taking on your relationship with your spouse or partner. Some new retirees even experience mental health issues such as clinical depression or anxiety.” Let’s NORMALIZE these feelings as they will surely come and go.
It’s also really hard to retire when work has been one’s major identity for so long. I hope you can stay positive and stay busy, but for those times when the question is “What do I do with myself?” try to go with the flow. Just step outdoors and start walking. Get a pet. Get a coffee. Take it slow. A long walk on the beach sounds divine.
Best of luck,
Donna
Editor’s Note: A Rivertowns Current reader shared the following tip: The Hastings Senior Council is organizing a workshop for retirees and about-to-be retirees. It will be Saturday, October 19th, from 10 AM - 12 noon at the Hastings Community Center.
Dear Donna,
I am constantly feeling FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) with my friends. Even when I don’t want to go somewhere and just stay home, I really fear missing out and hearing about it later. I wish I could let this go and just do what I want, but it’s hard. I never want to miss out on a fun time but sometimes staying home is just what I want to do. How can I get better about this?
Thanks,
Afraid of FOMO
Dear Afraid of FOMO,
Since the smartphone became nearly ubiquitous starting around 2011, we got a window into the whole world of possibilities at our fingertips. According to leading scholar on this phone addiction problem, Jonathan Haight (author of The Anxious Generation), this uptick in diving into the phone at younger and younger ages and stages coincided with the trend of “over-parenting” and fear about the world at large for many legitimate reasons. Also, bad stuff got “amplified.”
As an early adopter of technology and a “tech-positive” person (which was rare in my generation), I was hard-pressed to admit that smartphones had launched a certain profound negativity. But it happened. Of course, the pandemic just made it all ten times worse. Put it all together and social media is especially proven to cause FOMO for women — not correlate but cause — and you get depression and anxiety and suicidal ideation in girls. So yes, that feeling that you perceive to be missing out on things is REAL.
By the way, you might ask why girls/young women/women? Surely boys suffer from FOMO too? It turns out based on Haight’s research, it just doesn’t bear out in the data. Girls spend a bazillion more time on their phones than boys do. This IS the reason. Boys have issues with gaming addiction, but that is another beast.
According to the writer of this article on FOMO, the best antidote to FOMO is JOMO (joy of missing out): “Saying ‘no,’ is allowing me to say ‘yes’ to the things that matter.”
There’s no substitute for actual experience. But there will always be someone with less and someone with more; people who seem eternally full of great adventures, and those stuck in someone’s basement. Life ain’t easy in the big bad capitalism that we’ve built: we’re always working. Time to lighten up. Instead of doom-scrolling for what you’re missing, start doing whatever it is that you really want to do. You see, you’re not missing anything but a “curated” photo.
When I saw that I was obviously omitted, excluded and not even thought of, I used to be devastated — long before the Internet existed. Now I thank God every day that I have developed the strength of character to say, “I don’t like these people anyway” or “Who cares?” It only took me personally decades to realize, you only need a few TRUE friends who WANT to be with you, who are your ride or die — not an entourage. We have no control over the rest.
Best of luck,
Donna
Feeling stuck in your life? Now’s your chance to submit a question to the Rivertowns Current’s new advice column, “Why Am I Stuck?”
Questions will be answered by Rivertowns resident and licensed therapist Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP.
Send an email to moss.donna@gmail.com or fill out this form to submit a question. All questions submitted will be published anonymously. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
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