"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents
"Why Am I Stuck?" An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents
In this edition: Dealing with conflict at family weddings and navigating tricky political discussions
by Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP
Dear Donna,
My niece’s wedding is coming up soon. The problem is her sister is not talking to my daughter. Plus, both my daughters are in conflict with each other. How do I navigate this? If I go, I feel like I’m betraying my daughter. If I don’t, I’m letting down my niece. I also have to deal with my own siblings and various underlying grudges. Help!
Signed,
Aunt of the Bride
Dear Aunt of the Bride,
Sibling problems are as old as Cain and Abel! I’m sure there are experts in sibling rivalry that could tell us why this happens; likely a response to limited resources of the family, thereby creating competition. “A relationship with siblings is one of the earliest and longest-lasting relationships people develop,” says Dr. Susan Albers of the Cleveland Clinic. “Siblings are a child’s first peer group where they learn critical social skills like how to share, how to manage conflict, and how to communicate.” However, you are describing multiple conflicts at once.
The thing about weddings is, for one, hopefully they only happen once, so there is a lot of pressure on everyone involved to make it perfect. Perhaps that is a myth. Indeed, bringing different families together, even your own, can be inherently fraught. So set expectations low and calm, show up on time, and be polite. That’s step one. If the parties in question are all adults, they can make their own decisions about where to sit or when to leave or even whether to go at all. You, however, are not letting anyone down. You can model for them how to show up and navigate but you can’t make them do it. For your daughters in conflict with each other, they can show up without engaging in their issues. They can work on their relationship another time, not on the “big day.” I once counseled two sisters right before one’s wedding — it really helped them to clear the air leading up to the event. This wedding could be something that dredges up old and new grudges. But with your leadership, it could also be an opportunity for healing. Why waste the chance?
Best,
Donna
Dear Donna,
Lately, I find myself getting into disagreements with friends over hot-button political issues. I don't like to argue with people for the sake of arguing, but I don't want to pretend to agree with someone I don't agree with just for the sake of keeping the peace. On the other hand, I don't only want to make chitchat with people about trivial topics. What is the best way to handle these situations?
Sincerely,
Don't Want to Argue
Dear Don’t Want to Argue,
What a great question for our bizarre times! Of course, this hot-button vitriol has been going on for some time now — with an eye-roll for all of us. I am with you — I don’t like to debate, but lately I find I may have to. Personally, since I am often surrounded by lawyers, I have grown weary of these arguments that others seem to make for sport. If you are like me, you may tend to shy away from these topics.
However, it may also be that it’s past the time to remain silent with all the truly scary things going on in our world. You might even feel guilty for remaining silent. Remember that throughout history there have been hard times. There have also been long periods of peace and prosperity. As the media reflects the more extreme positions and as our politicians release their grip on norms and even reality itself, we have suffered. On balance, we all need to work together toward the middle; toward communication, reconciliation, and understanding. I know of many families divided over politics to some degree. Maybe it’s trite to say it’s all in how you approach the matter. When you ask Google what to do, it offers the following good advice:
Here are some strategies that people can use to diffuse political arguments:
Connect: Join a book club, volunteer, or start a Meetup group to connect with people who have different opinions.
Find common ground: Restate the problem and brainstorm solutions together to gain a deeper understanding of the other person.
Communicate: Listen more than you talk, and show that you understand what the other person has said before sharing your thoughts.
Be intellectually humble: Admit that you're not certain and acknowledge other possible explanations.
Avoid bad jokes: Jokes can normalize prejudice more than prejudiced arguments.
I also find that if a particular issue is really bothering me, I start reading up about it so I can make more educated statements with more confidence. But what — ultimately — are we doing? As you said, you don’t want to go through your whole life only speaking of the trivial. Perhaps it comes down to trying to be all things to all people. But that is not realistic. Some people may have to agree to disagree. Other times you may fully engage as best you can. Still other times, you may say, I want to learn more about this before I comment. Or finally, you may be so angry and frustrated that you do lash out with an extreme position. All of this is your prerogative in a free-speech society. Let’s not take any of it for granted!
Best,
Donna
Feeling stuck in your life? Now’s your chance to submit a question to the Rivertowns Current’s new advice column, “Why Am I Stuck?”
Questions will be answered by Rivertowns resident and licensed therapist Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP.
Send an email to moss.donna@gmail.com or fill out this form to submit a question. All questions submitted will be published anonymously. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
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