"Why Am I Stuck?"
"Why Am I Stuck?"
An advice column by and for Rivertowns residents. In this edition: Motivating a spouse to stay fit and saying no politely
by Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP
Dear Donna,
I want my husband to take his health more seriously. He works hard and is a great equal partner in the household, but when I mention eating better, taking lunches to work rather than buying them, or exercise, he shuts down. He used to be passionate about yoga and biking, and now he is pretty sedentary. I want him to prioritize self-care and health and nagging him does no good. Any advice?
Signed,
Health-concerned Spouse
Dear Health-concerned Spouse,
Thanks for being the first-ever questioner for this new column! I welcome your courage! I think we can all agree that nagging, for most people, is a real drag, and doesn’t work well. In my experience working one-on-one with people on their motivation for work, life, kids and hobbies, exercise, wellness and health, it appears that the effort must come from within. Therefore, you are rightly frustrated and your feelings are valid. Instead of “Why am I stuck?” you’re asking “Why is he stuck?”
I wonder if his “shutting down” has to do with something deeper.
Perhaps your partner is experiencing some pain or sensation in his body that is slowing him down, but he’s too afraid to acknowledge it, hoping it will simply go away in time. Because men, in general, do not communicate feelings in the nuanced way that women do, they simply let their feelings lodge in their bodies without inquiry — much like denial or avoidance. In the brilliant book “The Body Keeps the Score,” Bessel van der Kolk, a Dutch psychiatrist, posits that trauma is stored in the body (not the brain). The brain goes “offline” in an effort to protect the self and marshal resources toward fight or flight. Van der Kolk’s thesis provides further evidence that no amount of nagging will be effective.
Perhaps your husband could start with very light yoga stretching (often called “Yin Yoga”) on his own and just ask, where is the edge, where is the discomfort? If he could use an app such as “Calm” or “Insight Timer” or “Zen Friend,” he could also gauge his own baby steps until they become a habit (typically 30 days). Journaling before bed is also a wonderful practice in becoming aware of certain “blocks” in thought. I have always found that once I am patient with myself, I can usually get moving again. But the patience part is its own effort. Lastly, your husband might be bored or depressed (an important distinction). He might benefit from short-term therapy to explore possible feelings of paralysis in this phase of his life. Another option is to do things together that are low stakes, such as taking a dog walk or walking to town together (having a purpose). Please continue to do your own thing and, ultimately, we can hope he joins along! Baby steps are surely the way forward for now.
Best,
Donna
Dear Donna,
I struggle with saying “no” to people, even when it’s warranted. Sometimes I feel the need to over-explain why I’m saying no. I worry about offending people, even though I know “no is a complete sentence.” Any advice on how to say “no” — politely but firmly??
Signed,
Never Say NO
Dear Never Say NO,
Saying “NO” is typically hard for many of us, including me! That’s because I’m a “people pleaser.” If you’re like me, you’re probably really good at it. But ultimately the question becomes “At what cost?” People pleasing can arise from growing up with a “dysregulated” parent; whether he/she had an addiction or was emotionally volatile, you had to keep careful watch on your caregiver’s mood so you wouldn’t be caught in their line of fire. In order to keep the peace, you likely held in your feelings and could somewhat control the situation by being so docile you never had to worry. Again, at what cost to yourself? According to Medical News Today, “People pleasing is the desire to make others happy and be positively regarded, often at the expense of one's own needs or desires. People pleasers are often seen as kind, helpful, and agreeable, but they can have trouble advocating for themselves. This can lead to a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect.”
If we spent decades denying our own thoughts and feelings in order to keep the peace, it doesn’t get undone in a day. Find situations where you can easily say NO. Absorb the pushback — if any — and then relish how it feels. Once my friend asked me to take her kids to religious school on a weekly basis, since I was going anyway. I happily did this until one day I nearly crashed the car because I was rushing back for an appointment. Needless to say, I got scared about all my dashing around and realized I had to stop doing this chore. As they say, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I told my friend simply, I’m afraid I can’t do this carpool anymore; I don’t have enough time. Using “I” statements is another popular strategy for putting the other person in a non-defensive posture. Instead of “You making me do this is causing a lot of stress” I said, “I cannot do it due to time constraints.” Practice and practice some more until you really feel the benefit of the boundary you created. There’s nothing wrong with that! Your time is just as important as everyone else’s, and if you don’t rest once in a while, burnout will surely follow. Saying NO is not wrong or selfish — it’s a positive choice for your own well-being.
Best,
Donna
Feeling stuck in your life? Now’s your chance to submit a question to the Rivertowns Current’s new advice column, “Why Am I Stuck?”
Questions will be answered by Rivertowns resident and licensed therapist Donna C. Moss, MA, LCSW-R, CEAP.
Send an email to moss.donna@gmail.com or fill out this form to submit a question. All questions submitted will be published anonymously. Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
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